


Luggage Tags

by Fictropes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Author Dan Howell, Humour, Just a fun time, M/M, Strangers to Lovers, YouTuber Phil Lester, but a couple lines that are in detail so e is just to be safe!, disclaimer: smut is fade to black, suitcase based mistakes, this is a romcom.... aka the most unrealistic things ur eyes ever will see
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:21:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27011947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictropes/pseuds/Fictropes
Summary: Just because it looks like your suitcase, it doesn't necessarily mean that it is.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 48
Kudos: 112





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yet another unrealistic rom-com fic produced by..... Me<3
> 
> italics are phil, normal is dan!

August 1st, 2020

_Hey! idk if you’ve opened your (my) suitcase yet but …if you have, you good? Did the colour shock you?_

  
  
Bit bright, yeah

_It’s called the normal spectrum of human clothes_

  
  
There’s a cheese outfit in here

_What of it?_

_  
  
_Whatever turns you on, I suppose

_I hate cheese, it does the opposite of turn me on_

Right. Then what is this for? Enemies to lovers roleplay?

  
  
_It’s just a bit_

Bit of what? 

_a bit! like a joke, for a thing._

Suuuuuure. How’s the new colourblindness treating you?

  
_  
Was genuinely scared for a second! Then I realised I didn’t take my.. Ahem.. away with me on a family holiday_

A vibrator?

_I was being delicate! But yeah, I didn’t take one_

But you did take some properly massive condoms

_No! I mean, yeah. but not on purpose, they were left in the zippy part from the last time i went away_

Was your last holiday a mission to fuck a literal giant

_shutup, they’re not that dramatic_

Idk, i’ve got a bigger than average cucumber in my fridge that it’d probably fit on rather well

_my dick isn’t green_

good to know, not shrek

_Do you want all your soul sucking clothes back or not?_

_  
  
_Yeah, I don’t think I could pull off all this plaid

_You should try, never know, Daniel Howell_

Ok, Philip Lester.

_Really?_

Absolutely not. I’ve got an aesthetic to maintain, and shit

_Didn’t need to know about your bowel movements, but i’ll give you a few minutes…_

Oh, shutup, idiot. So your handy-dandy luggage tag tells me you live fifteen minutes away. Can I please have all my worldly possessions back before I have to resort to turning up to work dressed as a block of cheddar?

_Was gonna have a lazy day, but I suppose._

Your laptop charger is in here

_Then I suppose i definitely suppose_

Wanna come to me, or?

  
  
_Idk are you going to murder me?_

_  
  
_Yeah, absolutely 

_Just let me get dressed then, see you in an hour? Sure you don’t wanna go for a coffee shop halfway, or something_

I mean, your suitcase is heavy as shit and I don’t particular fancy dragging it down the road 

_So you’d get murdered pure through laziness, that’s your horror movie story_

Mate. We just happened to have the same suitcase, I don’t think this is an elaborate murder mystery. 

_Yeah, yeah. I was just exploring all the what ifs. Speaking of what ifs.. what if you’re called Daniel Howell and the book in your suitcase is also by a Daniel howell?_

_  
  
_That’s not a what if, that’s literally reality.

_I was just checking! maybe you have a thing for famous people who have share a name_

Yeah, it’s a very niche kink but someone has to have it

_:P. Can I read it?_

If you give me the fifteen pound it’d cost to buy the book, yeah

_Oh! yeah. Course_

Kidding, Phil. Fill your boots

_-_

August 2nd, 2020

Did you really take all your clothes away with you on holiday? 

_No.._

So you turned up in my jumper for what reason? Did I just properly play into your pretty little hands?

_I googled you, a bit. Daniel Howell— author, book in your suitcase … not hard. And you were essentially just my type… and a lot gay._

And?

_Annnnnd. I thought if I wore your jumper then I had an excuse to see you again? Oh.. i’ll go home and wash this for you and then come back and give it to you! that sort of thing, if we got on.. obviously._

Did you forget the part where all your clothes were at my house and I could’ve made you change in the bathroom and give it back to me there and then?  


_In my fantasy you were into me, alright_

I googled you, too

_Oh?  
Right.. youtube. I exist very much on the internet. _

Yeah, I really don’t just invite random strangers to my house. Suitcase or not.  
Was a combo of shit he’s hot, he’s gay, and the massive condoms, you know? Who needs Grindr when you have the suitcase carousel. 

_So you were just using me for my not green dick?_

_  
  
_It’s a nice dick, Phil.  
You looked good in my jumper, by the way. 

_idk, I think it looked better on your bedroom floor_

Awful

_You loved it. you wanna do it more_

Alright..  
I mean me telling you to go out and buy more boxes sort of implied.. i would love to do it more, if we’re putting all our cards on the table

_All my cards say.. ask him on a date_

A date date?

_Yeah, a date date._

_On one condition_

You’re the one who’s asking, I don’t think you get to set the conditions

_I do and it is.. you have to wear something plaid._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every1 said u are EVIL for not writing them meeting! KIDDING some very nice poeple said :..... wish we could see them meeting and I said ok :)
> 
> this is so unhinged i can't even express it. this unhinged unrealistic wild thing! it's a true rom-com.... like they fallin love in a second, but isn't that actually just them in rl tbh.

He’s hot, that proper makes your breath catch and fantasize sort of hot.

Too hot, honestly— bit sus. 

Phil half believed this wasn't the _actual_ Daniel Howell, just a man who stole other people’s suitcases and then lured them to their death. He was about to get murdered due to his affliction for curly haired men with pretty eyes and dimples. 

He takes an uber despite the walk being barely ten minutes, heavy suitcase, lazy man. 

He knocks, waits— dies upon the door opening.

“Oh! You’re you.” And Dan was hot on google, but in real life he’s the sort of attractive that makes Phil want to write Dan into his will— give him everything.

“Er yeah—“ Dan murmurs, blinking at such a quick rate that it looks a bit like it hurts, “is that my jumper?”

“It is.” Phil answers because it is, it’s too long and entirely not his thing but— was worth a shot.“I took all of my clothes with me on. Holiday and the top I was wearing smelled, didn’t wanna bring a stink cloud along with me.” And Phil’s really trying here, properly trying to be someone Dan would maybe consider— but he’s taking about being so smelly that a literal cloud of shit would follow him around. 

“Right. You took every single item of clothing you own with you on holiday.” And he sounds like he really doesn’t believe him, but there’s nothing he can do to prove it— can hardly frog March Phil back to his flat and demand he open up his wardrobe. 

“You can have it back.”

“Obviously, yeah.” Dan laughs, then he’s smiling and gesturing for Phil to come inside. “Suits you, you have that whole monochrome thing going on. Pale skin, all black outfit... and that.”

Phil thinks it’s a compliment— decides to take it as one.“Thanks! You Can still have it back, though. Not my vibe”.

“No, your vibe is cheese and jumpers covered in little animal dudes.” Dan’s sadly not sporting anything of Phil’s, though he strongly believes he’d suit the red plaid he knows he has buried in there somewhere. “Where’d you go even? It was a wild array of things.”

“Oh. Just to the airport.”

“You went on holiday to... the airport?”

“No! Florida, I went to Florida.” He’s also the sort of hot that’s making Phil stupid. 

He ends up stood in the middle of Dan’s kitchen, showing him the specific location of his families holiday home on google, and a few photos of him in said home. The thought of Dan thinking Phil was an unhinged airport enthusiast was eating up his insides— he needed to prove he really did leave the country. 

“Oh. Just down the road from my hotel, that.” Dan murmurs, then he’s looking up through his eyelashes in a way that makes Phil want to drop to his knees. “Pity I didn’t know you were so close. Hotels at night get boring, and lonely. Could’ve come over, kept me entertained.”

  
  
“Oh, yeah! I had my switch with me, we could’ve played Mario Kart!” Phil’s a bit gutted about it, actually. 

“Not quite the sort of entertainment I was suggesting, Phil.” Dan snorts, and then the penny drops.

_Oh._

Dan had just offered him up actual sex on a plate, and Phil had suggested Mario Kart as an alternative. 

“I didn’t— christ. Sorry. Can we start again? Hi, i’m Phil, and you’re that really proper sort of hot and it’s making my brain boil inside my skull.” Phil goes for the honest approach, maybe sucking up will make Dan forget every single thing he’s said up to now. 

Dan softens, the cheeky smile melting into something more— lovely, something delighted. “Proper sort of hot, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah. Like you don’t already know that.” He must know that, he _has_ to. “Bet you get up every morning and stand in the mirror like.. _good morning Daniel, well done on your face._ ”

“Not quite.” Dan steps closer, fiddles with sleeve of his jumper— his jumper that’s currently on Phil. “More of a.. _ugh, don’t fuck today up you stupid fucker. Write more words or get your arse booted into space._ ” 

“Well. That isn’t a very nice way to talk to yourself.” He would offer up more words, more compliments, but Dan is stood so close and it’s screwing up all his brain waves. 

“Does the job.”And the entire thing is weird and so far outside the realm of his usual life that Phil doesn’t believe it’s actually happening— gonna wake up in about ten minutes on airplane just outside of Heathrow. 

“Dan..”

  
  
“Mhm?”

  
  
“Are we gonna.” He gestures between the two of them, because he just has to know.

“Gonna what?” Dan asks, cocking his head to the side and _pretending_ to not understand— he one hundred percent knows what Phil is going for here. 

“You know..”

  
  
“Do I?”

  
  
Phil sighs— relents. “Are we going to fuck?”

  
  
“I mean, I’m down if you and your massive condoms are, too.” 

-

He’s staring, properly staring. “Stop it! I feel like i’m at the doctor.”

  
  
“Not into the whole medical roleplay?” Dan asks, “I’m just a bit lost for words, honestly. Big innit?” 

“This is the weirdest sexual encounter i’ve ever had.” And it is. He’s entirely undressed in Dan’s bedroom, half convinced Dan’s about to pull out a measuring tape to double check if the condoms will really fit. 

“Wanna stop?”

  
  
“Absolutely not.”

  
  
“Idiot.” Dan laughs, then he’s dropping to his knees and the visual is enough to make Phil go from being soft to having a semi. “Oh. Someone’s eager. Been a while?”

  
  
“Is the box you found unopened?” Phil points out, because, yeah, it has been a while. And it’s been even longer since he’d been with anyone this fit. “What are you even doing down there?”

  
  
“Making sure. I needed to confirm your big condom validity before anything else, can’t kiss a liar.” And he does nothing but run his thumb over the head of his dick but it _just_ — Phil isn’t proud of the noise that leaves him. “Jesus. That on edge? Gonna come the minute you’re inside me?”

“No, gotta work for it, i’m thirty-three.” 

“Was that supposed to be a sexy sentence?” 

“.. Yeah.” 

“You’ve really got that whole I’m hot but also really adorable thing down to a fine art.” Dan stands with a groan, a nasty knee click echoing around the entire room. It makes them both pull a face, and it really makes the entire moment feel like more than it is - more than a couple of strangers about to have sex, feels more like two people who like each other.

“Anyway, who said i’m the one doing the fucking?” He would very much like to, but the assumption makes him want to a bit annoying— just for a second.

“You can’t dangle a literal and metaphorical carrot in front of me and then tell me i’m not allowed it.” Dan pouts, half a second away from crossing his arms over his chest and putting on a full show. “You are, aren’t you?”

“Oh, you get so grumpy.” Phil laughs, “I would love to act like I don’t desperately want to fuck you but, crap actor.” 

“Mhm, good.” Dan digs his thumbs into Phil’s hips, and he thinks something really sexy is about to happen but instead dan says “let me just go and get my bucket of lube.” 

-

The first kiss is.. god.

Dan is giving him the perfect amount of pressure, just enough tongue, hands on Phil’s arse pulling him closer and— he honestly might come from grinding up against Dan’s thigh.

It’s sort of a rom-com kiss, Phil feels two seconds away from popping his foot and declaring Dan his prince charming.

“You taste like cherries.” Dan murmurs against his mouth, bites down on his bottom lip just to see how Phil reacts. 

“Oh— yeah, ate an entire bag of haribos on the plane.” Phil admits, and Dan just laughs and drags Phil to bed. 

-

“There, there, there. Fuck, Phil.” Somehow they both managed to be serious for long enough to actually end up in this position. 

Dan on all fours, Phil behind him wondering what he’d done in a past life to deserve this.

“There?” Phil asks, then stops just because. Because he really is as close as Dan suggested he would be earlier, because he wants to hear Dan lose it— to beg, a little bit. 

“Phil!” It doesn’t work, because Dan’s grinding his hips backwards— taking his own pleasure. “You feel so fucking good— always knew I was a size queen.” 

“Yeah?” Phil asks, hands on either side of Dan’s hips, digging in just a little too hard because if he doesn’t distract himself he’s going to lose it entirely. “You’re so tight, didn’t even think you’d be able to take me. You’re doing so good, Dan, look at you.” 

“You gonna fuck me or do I have to fuck myself?” He bites out, still can’t help himself apparently. All attitude even when he’s moaning into his pillow, when’s he’s desperately moving his own hips in a way that’s isn’t _quite_ enough. 

“Are you going to ask me nicely?”

There’s a pause, a dilemma— Dan trying to work out if he wants it that badly. 

He does. 

  
  
“Please, Phil.”

-

“Well, shit.” Dan flops down, Phil pulls out, ties up the condom and definitely misses the bin when he throws it.

“Yeah.” Phil agrees, because it really was the fuck of a lifetime. 

Dan was all this perfect tight heat wrapped around him— he was loud, enthusiastic, took more than he probably should and then demanded Phil go even harder.

“That was.. stay? You have a box of six condoms and you can’t leave before you use them all.” Dan’s pretty, sprawled out on the sheets with wild hair and soft eyes. Phil’s properly attracted to him, not only that, though— feels some weird pull, something he can’t explain but desperately wishes he could.

“Just five more goes and then i’m booted off onto the street?” Phil’s trying to play it off, trying to not show how fast he’s fallen into whatever _this_ is. 

Dan looks at him then like he knows, like he feels it too. “I mean, I wouldn’t complain if you went off and got loads more boxes.”

  
  
“Even if my dick isn’t green like you’d hoped?” Phil teases, heart going all flippy-floppy when it makes Dan properly laugh—when he gets those dimples and eye crinkles. 

“As fun as the idea is, probably wouldn’t have let it in me, massive and infected is still.. infected.” 

“Noted.” He leans over, drops a kiss onto Dan’s forehead before finding his own way to the bathroom.

When he returns with stuff to mop up all the mess he finds Dan asleep. This perfect picture of everything Phil’s ever wanted, really. 

Just someone he can be stupid with, someone who _gets_ him— then someone who can fuck him so well he actually astral projects. 

And it’s a story to tell everyone, isn’t it?

I met the love of my life by accidentally stealing his suitcase— and he’s getting ahead of himself there, but he has a feeling this might just pan out to be a real life rom-com. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as awlways... lemme know your thoughts.. even on this monstrosity of a thing

**Author's Note:**

> [if you would like to reblog on tumblr! always appreciate it :)](https://fictropes.tumblr.com/post/632077301618786304/luggage-tags-22complete-2705-wordsjust-because)
> 
> we luv 2 write in texts only
> 
> but if anyone ever wants to write this into a full blown fic complete with real dialogue...... ...... :)? (i am just lazy like dan)


End file.
